STACY's Journal!

Well I have been just a little bit busy so I have not had a chance to get on here. I have just been working a lot of Victoria's Secret and spending time with friends. Fathers Day was kinda hard on me because this was my first one without my dad and I really miss him. I spent a lot of the day alone and then went out to Sterling Heights to see Guster, Ben Folds and Rufus Wainright which was incredible. I went with Dave with was okay but he still does not like the fact that I have a boyfriend and he was just a little too touchy feely and I had to keep reminding him that I was not his GF anymore. Drew's mom and sister were in town the last few days because his sister has orientation so he was a little stressed because he was trying to make everyone happy. I have been enjoying my lazytime lately because I know that it is not going to last much longer. I have classes starting next week so I will only be able to work Friday through Sunday so I will have a lot less free time.
Things are really starting to sink in for me. The fact that I am graduating next year is really scaring me. I called my aunt today almost crying because I feel really alone. I am supposed to be an adult and I have to be....I am 22 and I do not have many people to fall back on. When I graduate do I go to graduate school or get a job? What if I can't get a job? Its not like I can move home....I am really on my own and I am finally realizing it. I just do not know what I want to do when I graduate....I know what I eventually want to do but not in the between time. I also really want to settle down....I want a house and a husband. Is Drew a potential? I have no idea....we have not been together long enough. We used to talk about that kind of stuff but not after all that has happened he doesn';t want to think about anything like that. I am just in a rambling mood tonight. I have a lot going on in my head so if this does not make any sense I am sorry. I just feel in such limbo right now.,...I am not trying to hurry my life away but something needs to happen...I need a change of some sort and I do not know what it could be. I am starting to feel fullfilled but I still feel like something is missing. ALL my friends are getting married and engaged and I feel like such a child...I want to be in their shoes but I am not foolish enough to not be able to wait for the right guy.....I just do not know if he is out there. I do not think there is anyone out there that can handle me and my life and is there is I do not know where he is hiding.
I care about Drew soo much....I can feel that in my heart but I am having sooo many doubts. Part of me wants to just wait things out because I know they will work out and the other half says he will never be ready to love me and be serious so quit waisting my time. When I talk to him about it he says that I worry too much and that things will work out and that he is not ready to think about that kind fo stuff and that he wants to make things work with us. I take him wanting to make things work as a good thing but am I stupid to think that after 6 months he should have an idea of whether or not I am the one? I am a planner and I want some security to have some idea that there is at least a chance.
Well I am going to bed now.......

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Lets get Retarded Black Eyed Peas

here is a little quiz I took...

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

Well the weather is great again today. Yesterday was great too. I borrowed Drew's car and went to the beach with some friends. I drove a cop there so he told me to drive however I wanted to so I drove around 100 the whole way but let it hit 120...oh yeah I should be a race car driver! The beach was soooo nice it was not too hot or cold and I evened out my tan. There was a group of high schoolers sitting by us and they were annoying as shit.....I normally don't care when minors drink but when you act like an idiot you deserve to get shit for it. So after an hour of them annoying us the cop went up and harrassed them and threatened to give them an MIP so they handed over their alcohol to us! It rocked!I got drunk for the first time in while and just chilled. I then met up with some other friends of mine including my ex Dave.
Dave, Dave, Dave what can I say about him. In the long run we never would have worked out but I do owe him a lot. He is the one the got my over the worst relationship of my life (if you know me then you know who this is, helped me get out of a major depressive period and helped me have a fantastic summer last year. He is one of the craziest people I know but thats why I loved him. There is only one problem...he thought that he was coming back to Michigan to come back to me and he's not too happy that I am taken and he is kinda being rude to me about it. He calls right when he comes into town and expects to see me and usually I already have plans so he gets mad that I do not have time for him. For example he knew that yesterday I had to be back in Kalamazoo at 5 because I had plans with Drew and some of his friends. He did not show up to the beach till 4:30 and expected me to stay the evening with him and his friends. He was pissed when I left and I do not need to deal with that. Oh well....
Last night the weather was nice too. I went to a BBQ/Bonfire with Drew and met some of his car buddies. It was a good time but it was kinda weird because they were not the kind of people that I would normally hang out with but it made Drew happy. They were just people without a lot of goals, they live at home with their parents, don't go to college and most don't have jobs. They were all really nice but god I sound stuck up!
I think that tonight I am going to try and go see Harry Potter with Kelly when she gets out of work. We tried to go see it the other day but it was sold out.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Kreo Burn

Well first of all I just want to say....it's about time! This is the 3rd day in a row that the sun is shining and that it is beautiful outside! YEAH! I am going to the beach today with a bunch of friends that I have not seen in a long time so that will be good.
Here is a quick update. Well I did end up going with home with Drew and it was a lot better than I thought. He really made an effort to make sure that I had stuff to do and even gave me his car (his baby) to drive around. I know a lot of his friends and they love me so we got to hang out and I got to know his grandparents who are adorable. The only uncomfortable parts were when his mom and I were talking and she flat out asked me if I thought Drew would ever cheat on me. Well I told her that he had but that it was only a kiss and that we were working it out. Well she yelled at him later and told him about how her and his father love each other and would never do that to each other and that one day he would understand. He got mad at me until he realized that I did not volunteer the info. We got into one fight and that is when I miss understood something he said and threatened to go home. All in all it was good for us to go. I felt really bad for him on Tuesday when we left because his family had to put their dog murray to sleep and he had to come see my two cats. Drew does not cry but he did a little then. This week has been great..... I got the job at Victoria's Secret and started yesterday. The whole staff seems great and I think that I might like it there, they are even able to work around my school schedule which I was worried about. Wednesday Drew and I went to Cedar Point and it was a great time. The weather was good, I got to ride all the rides and got a tan (well a little burnt). Drew and I got to relax and I got to see the part of him that made me fall for him in the first place. The past few days have been good too, I keep waiting to see the bad part of Drew but its not coming out and neither is my bad side so I hope it stays that way.
I was getting soooo depressed before because the weather sucked and I had nothing to do. Now I am getting busy and loving life again.....this is great. I just need to remember that times can suck but they get better if you hang in there. Whether or not Drew and I stay together is something I am not going to worry about right now. I am just going to enjoy being with someone I care about and that treats me good. If he treats me bad, starts lying to me or the like then its over....we can say we tried and I won't have to wonder what could have been. Hope all is well for everyone.

Here is the result from a cute little quiz I took....


You are a Japanese Monkey! You are quite intresting
and very smart, but it's sad that you can't
move past 80's fashion. You like technology and
seafood and one day (if not already) you'll be
butt rich!! Keep it up!!! but get rid of those
faded jeans, those are so over.


What Kind Of Monkey Are You? (With Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

http://quizilla.com/users/Goodgurl1632/quizzes/

Well not much has changed in the last few days. The weather still sucks, I am still bored and depressed, I still want to go back to Greece and nothing will change the fact that Andrew lied. We have spent the last few days together and nothing much has changed except I question him a lot. He has been really understanding about it but it is starting to anger him I think. He understands why I do not trust him but he does not know what to do about it. Sunday afternoon I had to go to the Mall where he works because I really need a job and a few stores are hiring. When I walked in I almost had a panic attack because I saw him at work (he normally) works alone and there was a girl with him. He knew that I was coming in and asked me to stop by and say hi. My heart was pounding so hard and I was sweating because I do not know what I will do when I see her. Bt the girl Lindsay was not the girl working with him but it did not stop me from freaking out. This made me think that I can never get over this....if I do not even trust him at work or trust myself if I ever run into her.....that is no way to live my life and to be with someone. To make matters worse Kelly had to go into the hospital on sunday night because she went into shock so I drove her there. I FUCKING hate hospitals, I have spent way tooooo much time there because of my health and the poor health of my family. I have been there way too much in the last few years. Everytime I see a chemo patient I think of my mom and everytime I see a whole family with both parents and grandparents it makes my heart ache because I have none of that. I am 22, both of my parents died in the last 2 yrs, all my grandparents are gone and I have just a few aunts and uncles left. I was at the hospital for 3 hours and I had to leave, I was about to have a panic attack, I just could not take it. I felt so bad for leaving Kelly because she is my best friend but she said she understood, her brother was there and Joel was on his way there. I just drove around for awhile and then Andrew called, he wanted to spernd some time with me so we went to Meijers to get something to eat. I ended up sleeping at his place. It was weird to just lay with him. He held me the whole night and he never used to do that. I can not figure out if he is doing these things because he cares or if it is just guilt and will end soon. Monday Kelly and I spent some time together and went to see Shrek 2 which was great! I got some paperwork done at home and Victoria Secret called to ask me for an interview so Wednesday at 2pm (wish me luck I really need something to occupy my time!).
Last night Andrew cooked me dinner and then took me to see Troy (he paid for once!)which was just as good as the first time. He let me tell him all about the background of the movie afterwards and all the mythology which I am way into ( I just got back from Greece). We ran into my friends Andrea and Eric afterwards and you should have seen their faces when they saw Andrew with me, I do not think anyone expects this to work out and maybe that is part of the reason I want it to....I don't know. I think that Andrew is really making an effort but I do not how long it will last and what his intentions are. He admitted last night that he did not want to lose us and that he could not stand me being with someone else but I am not sure if that is enough to make us work but only time will tell.
This entry has just been a massive ramble so I will leave it with just one more problem I have...This weekend I am supposed to go home with Andrew to East Lansing for his sisters grad party and her boyfriends and to spend time with his family. There are many problems with this....I do not know if I should still go cause I will feel like it is a lie but I really like his family. If I do not go what am I going to do with myself for 4 days and will I be able to trust him? Also he wants to leave wednesday so he can detail cars and see his friends but what am I going to do when he is busy.....I will be trapped there.
what to do......what to do......

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Jewel "You were meant for me" Sarah McLaughlin

Last night had to be one of the worst nights of my life. I found out that Andrew kissed a girl while I was gone. He has tried to lie to me about since I came back but he finally told me. To make matters worse it is a girl that he works with and he talked to me a few hours before it happened. It also happened at his place and she knew about me. I don;t know if I can ever trust him again but the fucked up thing is I think that I can forgive him because I love him and he did not fuck her. I do not know what to do....so many thoughts are swimming through my head. I have a lot of thinking to do today. I am going to help Joel move into his new place and then see Shrek 2. Andrew and I are supposed to just spend the next two days thinking and enjoying time together not talking about anything relationship wise. On tuesday we are going to spend the day hashing things out and go from there. Wish me luck.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: I hate everything about you....

Well I have been back for two days and so far it sucks! It has been rainy and humid and nasty and I am bored out of my mind. Andrew has been working and doing stuff for school, Kelly has not been feeling good and spends her time with Joel....meanwhile I sit around and do nothing. I need to find a job! I feel like such a waste right now.

Current Mood: blah

Well it is my last day in Greece :( Athens is great except it is really polluted and everyone smokes so I am getting sick. My hotel has a view of the Acropolis! So at night we go up to the view have some wine or beer and enjoy the view. Yesterday I saw the Parthenon, Temple of Olympian Zeus which took 700yrs to build, the Agora and a lot of Athens. It is really hot and crowded. Things I am going to miss: 1. The hot european men 2. Eating outside (fresh fruit and veggies) 3. Cheap clothes, food and lodging. 4. Walking around history 5. Meeting people from all over the world 6. The weather. Things I am NOT going to MISS! 1. The crazy taxis and drivers 2. Are you from Canada? 3. Overcrowded streets 4. Climbing hills
Well I leave tomorrow at noon but we have to leave for the airport at 8am so tonight we are having our last meal in Athens and then going to see Troy. Last night I saw Van Helsing which is great!
Well I am out.....

Just wanted to write a quick note. I am in Greece for another week and I do not want to leave. I miss Andrew, Kelly and my cats but it is great here and I have learned to much. I am in Crete right now and just got back from hiking the Samaria Gourge which was 11 miles and ended at the Lebanon Sea. The view was beautiful and I got a lot of sun. I also met some great people from Austrailia who shared their lunch and company with me. My group just grabbed our bags, it is 9pm here and our ferry leaves for Athens at 11:30 pm. We are heading to the Pelopenese then and Olympia and other great spots. I am getting into great shape here and walking is nothing now. I filled up my memory card today so I have to buy another one. I will be posting my pics on yahoo when I get back. Miss all of you!

I just decided to start this today because my roommate kelly uses it. Don't really have anything to say except that I am glad that finals are over! and I leave for Greece in exactly a week.

Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: jojo Get Out